poetic_waves

I woke up today and realized, the anger I have been carrying around the past few weeks, is gone. Poof! Just like that it is gone... I don't understand, and it doesn't mean I am willing to roll over and take a back seat to what has been going on.

Perhaps, it is because I am tired, or perhaps it is because certain events have made me see that I have gotten out of a bad situation, even though I wasn't the one who left, it was still a blessing in disguise. Any which way, the anger from the past couple of weeks has disappeared, and I am glad. Now to find the motivation to get back on that horse and ride towards something better:)

After about 3 weeks of laziness and weight gaining, I am kicking my own ass!!!! I was doing so well getting in shape and losing weight. Well, after a few weeks of McDonald's and sweets, I am back to being out of shape and have gained weight!!! Yipes!!! Of course sitting on the couch playing on the computer all day on my days off doesn't help, Lol!!! Anyway, time to get my ass in gear and start my routine again!!!

Of course, I needed a challenge. Who was I going to get to challenge me, but my wonderfully, evil little girls... They challenge me to fit into a bikini by this summer. I can handle that, then Ana showed me the bikini she thinks I would look "Fabulous" in, I can't handle that, lol. In fact, I think I would need cosmetic surgery to fit into the tiny string bikini she chose. Any which way, I am determined to show them their mom can look " fabulous" in a bikini, not the tiny string one Ana would like, but a bikini none the less. As if that weren't enough, I asked them what else they would like to see me do and they both said grow my hair out. Apparently they like the pig tales I put my hair in. Me and my big mouth!!!!

Here it is, the beginning of April, and you are all my witnesses to my big mouth!!! I am kicking my own ass and getting it together to show the girls I can do it!!! More importantly to get myself in better shape and stay in good health:) Wish me luck, because, my goal for myself is to get in shape enough to actually take a spin class, and learn to surf this summer!!!

Lilly would say, " Please let me WALK!!!!" since my kids carry her everywhere.

I have to say, today is a beautiful Friday!!! It is breezy and warm, with plenty of sunshine...

With that said, I am amazed at how a day can start off so peaceful and quickly turn frustrating and annoying. I could say ugly, but quite frankly, my day is beautiful it is a couple of people who are ugly!!!

Michaela has a trip to the mountains with her Girl Scout troop tomorrow. She has been looking forward to it all week and we have researched Bald Eagles and written down some facts for her presentation. the weather this weekend is going to be, between, 55 and 60 degrees. There is some snow on the ground, but, all in all, the weather and conditions are good. the plan for the troop is to go to the Moonridge Zoo to see the endangered animals they have, then have lunch and go on a hiking scavenger hunt and the petting zoo, if possible. A day of fun and learning!!! I had told Eric about it a week ago and he was all for her going. I told him Michaela could ride up with one of the other kids, if he didn't want to go. His mom then stepped up and said it sounded fun and she would drive. Everything was set.

Yesterday I get a call from him mom. She, suddenly, doesn't feel comfortable driving up the hill. There is snow on the ground and it is cold. She doesn't feel comfortable letting Michaela go with one of the other girls. Nevermind, Michaela has already been to a sleep over in the mountains, being driven up by another parent. Anyway, I digress. For Eric and his mom, it is no big deal for Michaela not to go. Nevermind that we researched for a presentation she has to give to her troop, or that she has to participate to move up and get patches. Never mind that it is a day of fun and learning all in one. It is so hard for me to sit back and not say something. The roads are good, yes there is snow on the ground, but since when are we afraid of the FREAKING Snow!!! If it doesn't fall into their plans, then forget about it. His mom asked why they couldn't do it next month, because then she would feel comfortable driving. Excuse me, I didn't know the world revolved around them. Michaela and Ana have fallen behind in their Girl Scouts, because Eric an his mom don't take them to the meetings. Eric is the one who had me sign them up and now he doesn't want to follow through because he didn't like that we had to sell cookies...I am the one who paid $200 for cookie sales. So far, we had the girls in gymnastics and they aren't anymore. We had them in golf, they aren't anymore, Ana was in cheerleading, not anymore, now it is Girl Scouts, are they not going to be able to complete this? Nice how we are teaching our kids to never follow through on anything. Or that being prissy and high society, instead of down to earth and in tune with nature, is acceptable.

My heart breaks for the girls, because Michaela was looking forward to going to the snow and the mountains. Now who is going to tell her, no...Of course Eric will leave that for me to tell her. Funny thing, is this time I refuse. I have already talked to the troop leader, and if need be, Eric will have to call her. I am tired of making excuses for his sorry ass, and I am tired of letting his mom continuously make decisions on their behalf. If it continues this way, I will have the most sheltered, uncultured kids on this planet. I was raised to be adventurous to a point, and to be open minded and work hard and play !!! that is what I want for my girls. I want them to experience life, not be afraid of it. I want them to know they can have fun and work hard too!!! It is hard to teach them when the other half is constantly undermining and not allowing them to exeprience life. I am not asking to send them across the country with a stranger or to send them overseas by themselves. I am asking to let Michaela enjoy her Girl Scouts and let her spread her wings a bit. That is the only way she will become confident and learn the beauty of life!!!

Happy St. Patty's Day to you... I am cooking a special dinner of Fish in white wine butter sauce with capers and coconut milk, broccoli and quinoa!!! We will see how Michaela and Ana like it, I did get them shrimp as a back up:) Usually I save the special dinner for Friday's before I take them to their dad, but, I figured, since, today is St. Patrick's Day and they were excited, it was a good day for a nice dinner!!!

Last night Michaela did something that almost made me cry...she asked if she could read some of the books I have. She said she wanted to read Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and the Lightening thief and any other book I think she might like. Of course, I gave her Coraline and The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. She also asked if she could read the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe....I wanted to cry, my little girl has such good taste, and she said I have the interesting books:) Of course, Ana wanted to get some books, so I told her I had a few I saved for her and gave her Boris and Bella, Monster Museum, Legend of Sleepy Hollow, she liked the pictures done by Gris Grimly. After going through my books, I found A Light in the Attic, and told Michaela she might like it. We sat up last night reading poems out of A light in the Attic...I read a few poems from Monster Museum, it was a wonderfully, special time spent with my growing little ladies!!!

It is times like that, that help the other crap leave for a while. Instead of feeling lonely, or angry, I was completely happy and peaceful. It is funny how children have that effect on a person. They can get on my last nerve, especially when they pout because they couldn't get something, or cry because they can't watch a show. Then you find a common ground and you forget all about how they were annoying you:)

I just felt like sharing my special night...Now to get to my housework...bleh!!!

Setting goals is the easy part, acheiving them, a little challenging!!! With a little patience and persistence, I am confident I will get to where I want to be.

Long-term goal: Move to Arkansas...finish school there, and start-over, in a way:)

Short term goals: Organize myself!!!! If I am organized I will see a little more clearly and the girls will have a god foundation!!! Next is to tackle my finances...I don't have a ton of debt, but what I do have I have I need to work on getting rid of, I have to start saving, and I have clean up my credit!!!! Third, I need to begin educating myself again, start the phlebotomy program in June, and in fall work on prerequisites for ultrasound school.

prioritizing is going to be key...it has never been a very strong suit for me, but I am confident I will learn and go with the flow!!!

I will also, at some point, have to talk to Eric about my plans...for me, I first need to get through the divorce and set some of these goals into motion. 5 years is not a long time, but it is long enough to where I can get focused, stabalize myself a bit more, and become more confident with myself.

I can't do this by myself, and right now, I am in a position where I have a good support system...I am very confident that in 5 years or less my long term goal will be achieved!!!

Just got back from Arkansas...aside from seeing Henry Rollins, which was great, the best thing was spending time with family I haven't seen in a few years...It is funny how distance, if you let it, can cause a person to lose touch, no matter how close you are.

I didn't spend nearly enough time with The Estrada's, Newman's or Hagens, but I did figure out that I will back there, and hopefully in a few years I will be living there.

I do have to thank one person for lighting the fire in me to just go and visit, and that is Dave...it is funny how he and Stephan are best friends, like family, not blood, and he manages to go out and visit whenever he can...Kinda put things into perspective for me. I really had no excuse for not visiting, so I am glad the fire was lit, and I went!!!

Henry Rollins was awesome, he is a fantastic speaker and not bad on the eyes, either. I have to say the highlight of my trip, were the conversations Stacy and I had...not only are we cousins, but we are also kindred spirits...she understands me and we do have a special connection. Our conversations were very eye opening to just fun. What we share I don't have with anyone else and I really don't think I want to...I have plenty of friends, but the person who truly knows me for me is Stacy.

Thanks to the Newman's for putting me up in their humble abode, I loved the house!!! Thanks Dave for lighting the fire in me to experience Arkansas and reconnect with my family!!! Thanks to the Hagan's and Estrada's for the good times:) I love you all and hope to be out your way for another visit soon, and I am giving myself no more than 5 years and I too will be a resident!!!

One week and the girls and I will be on vacation...This Holiday Season has been so tough on me...I am looking forward to spending Christmas surrounded by the ones I love:)

Living with Depression really blows!!! I wasn't the happiest person when we moved back to California, but I was doing ok. 2 years after we moved Eric decides he no longer wants to be married and that sent me into an episode, that wasn't as bad as previous ones, but still I was not well. Thankfully I have learned to pay attention to my symptoms and once I broke down at work, I knew it was time to get help. Honestly, the Prozac and the Xanax have been great. Along with the medication being able to talk to friends and family about everything that has happened has helped to keep me grounded. I have been doing really well, keeping busy, trying to get htis single parenting thing down, hanging out with friends and family.

Now the holidays are upon us and, well, I have no motivation. My friends are trying to keep me busy, but I just have no get up and go. I get out of bed because the girls get me going, when I don't have them, I do nothing...I take my meds everyday and have resumed my Xanax every 5-6 hours, otherwise, the feeling of physical pain in my chest doesn't go away. I never realized that when you are stressed and hurt it can cause physical pain. I have never experienced that before. I guess the fact that all of this has happened and I still don't really know why, I know we had serious problems, but nothing that couldn't be worked out, if anything for the girls. I do know that as time goes by, I realize that we did grow apart and I we began falling out of love with each other, but that still doesn't help the hurt go away. It is there because I feel for the girls, they make the best of the situation, but they have their moments and when those moments happen, I don't know how to deal with it.

Eric has had a friend go to his house a couple of times, with her kids to hang out. That is what Michaela has said. She said this girl stays for dinner or brings dinner over. I half suspect that he and this woman are seeing each other, which is fine, but confusing for the girls. I have not bought anyone around the girls because I don't want them to get any more confused than they already are. It is upsetting for me to think that he doesn't think about these things. Instead he is hell bent on making feel horrible, and he is so filled with hate for me. I haven't put my life on hold for Eric, it is over and time to move on... Of course, my guard is up and I don't know if it will ever be let down. I have met one person I could honestly say, I have a good time with and could see myself with down the road, it has been really nice being able to be myself, but there are lots of issues on both sides. I honestly, don't want to be out on the dating scene...a couple of people have mentioned eHarmony or setting me up. I just wish I could meet the person I want to be with and that I can be myself with and have a good time, and then let things happen from there.

Enough with the pity party...Now to get ready for Girl Scouts:)

I have to admit, I have not been in the Christmas Spirit!!! I am so ready to go to Hawaii for vacation and to have fun!!! I am also ready to run away and start over somewhere else!!! What would that get me? Eric would fight for the girls and I would still have my problems.

This New Year coming up, I am setting a goal...I am going to start school, get on my feet and in 2 to 3 years move!!! I know Eric is planning on moving, unless he and the girl he is with get serious, but I know he still wants to go to Dallas. His mom asked if I would move there as well, my answer was the closest I will get is Little Rock:) I need to be close to family who understands me. I love my parents, but New Mexico, or San Bernardino is not my thing. San Diego I can do, but it is expensive!!! I am definitely ready for something!!!!

I keep wishing on a star, every night...not that wishes come true, but it would be great if it did:) Maybe it will once the time is right... like I said, for now it is school, get my feet on the ground and get the Hell out of the desert!!!

Tuesday, NOv.24th, I was officially served my divorce papers...am I sad, Not a bit!!! I was actually kind of happy. I am not happy at the fact that my family is being split apart, because I know the girls feel it...but I am happy to free, and I am happy to be myself again!!!

My sister called, to see how I was doing, she said she is a little worried about me. When I asked her why, she said it was because I have kept my cool and I haven't had a complete meltdown. The funny thing is that when Eric first left, I did have a complete meltdown. I blamed myself, and I let him scare me into thinking he was going to take the girls. I was beside myself. One day I woke up and said No More!!! It was very strange, like an Oprah "A Ha" moment. I began to take steps to get myself out of the " feeling sorry for myself" stage, and on the road to being someone my girls could be proud of, but most importantly, I wanted to be proud of myself!!!

Now here I am...I feel better than I ever have, I am happier than I have been in a long time, and I am moving on!!! There is no meltdown that is going to happen over Eric leaving me, there is still anger about how he went about it, and anger that the girls have changed a bit, but when I look at him, I wish him well, but there is nothing... I really don't think there has been anything for quite a while. I realized that today when someone I work with asked me about sex with him...she said that was what she was going to miss about her husband, because he could really " ring her bell". I looked at her and I said I haven't had that in a long time...for Eric and I it was mostly me pretending to be asleep, because he wanted it at 2 in the morning or at midnight, when I was already in bed. We stopped doing things together, there were no more dates nights, no more talking, we just coexisted and grew apart...

Nowadays, I am relishing the fact that I am free to be myself...I can listen to the music I want to, I can eat sushi or Thai food, without being told it is nasty, I can watch what I want to watch. I am making decisions for myself, I am standing up for myself, and I am really liking who I have become. I don't regret being with Eric, we really did have some wonderful years, but it wasn't meant to be. We have 2 beautifully, spirited little girls and I with out him that would not have been possible. Now begins a new chapter in our lives, and I am happy with where I am going.

I have made some wonderful friends, I still talk to my East Coast friends and I have reconnected with some family members that I had lost touch with or just haven't kept in touch with well enough over the years. Since July, I have grown as a person ten fold!!! I still have my down moments, and I do think sometimes, the shoe is going to drop and I will have a complete meltdown, but it never seems to happen. What is happening, instead, is that I am living my life as I want to.